My vague passion

At 19 years of age I had just moved to the city, had a job I loved so much I used to sing on the way home, with a company I believed in, an entrepreneurial boss I admired as a mentor in the fascinating world of Business Coaching.

I had an entry level administration role which later evolved to an event coordinator role, and then, as an aspiring millionaire-in-the-making it later evolved into a business development manager role at a different branch. And… that’s where the career with that business ended.

At 21 I had the WANT and LONGING to be a successful salesperson and leverage this into entrepreneurship, however I was completely lost in this role that did not suit my sweet, youthful, rejection-sensitive and undisciplined personality.

The “6 Steps to better Business” or 10 steps to be a millionaire or whatever other ideas I prescribed to all those years ago made “success” aka financial freedom, seem achievable even to a lower class, housing-commission raised, binge-drinking, mediocre student like me. 

However chasing this path led me to nothing but mental and physical exhaustion, many breakdowns, many illnesses, at my lowest point I ended up sleeping on my mothers floor for weeks, she didn’t have a bed for me, and though I did still have a bed in the city, I was hiding from the world. The world I had created for myself.

Cold calling people in the yellow pages and door knocking at local businesses is not something this 31 year old would EVER do however at 21… It’s who I thought I wanted to be, what I had to do to get there. To get to success.

But really, what IS success?

Something told to me back then really stuck to me which is simply to “follow your bliss”… I don’t think I really knew what that meant back then. I thought that bliss was to be rich, to never worry about money, to be able to buy stability for myself and my family.

Now, at 31, with none of that achieved and some massive failures behind me but also so many amazing experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world, to me now being successful is to be comfortable and settled, yet still lead an exciting life, full of learning and great memories.

Having given myself a host of physical illnesses abut now finally having some form of understanding of my mental state and health, I am now in a position where I both struggle with even the most basic tasks but desire success in a more achievable and realistic form.

You see, I’m only 3 assessments away from completing my cert IV in youth work, the vocation I’ve realise I have both talent and passion for, yet for the life of me I can’t find time or motivation to do them. The self doubt has begun to creep back in that I’ll even be capable of completing the diploma afterwards.

So I’m sitting here, in my casual retail job, accepting more shifts than I need or want, to give myself an EXCUSE to fail.

I have very few regrets, but what I do wish, is that I’d learned some self discipline when I was younger.

I want to do everything, but I also want to do nothing.

❤ G

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a writer.
And I have written. In a way. Journals, short stories, poems, song lyrics, blogs…

The journals were cringey but as I’ve gotten a bit older I find my writing has become easier to read. At least for me. 

So. through some strange wordpress glitches I’ve just discovered one of my old blogs, of which I’ve had many, this one was the most recent and the one I’d most forgotten about.

While I’ve had multiple Personal Development/Business blogs this was my only “reality” based blog, other than my 18yr old Myspace blog which… I’m hoping no longer exists.

The content was actually enjoyable for me to go through and read, and may try to merge these two blogs at some point. It didn’t have many posts but they were all quite short and “punchy” with a very clear “voice” a concept I’ve only recently learned in referencing a writing style.

The more avenues the better?

Speaking of other places I have written, I started another blog! This one has a real website and is a joint project with my sister over at unifyingthread.com if you want to check it out!

It’s still new but I’m excited about it.

This blog is still in it’s infancy but there’s a few reasons I want to run these both side by side.

Firstly I feel it’s difficult to write personal stories and opinion/learning pieces in the same space. I feel this site here will be a sort of journal location for progress on my own self discovery, ADHD, dreams, goals and issues but I also quite enjoy writing about topics that are more outwardly focused and maybe that can even help people.

Second I have wanted to start a joint project with my sister for many years. She has an absolutely brilliant mind and we had such a connection as children that went away for many years through teens and early adulthood that I treasure now has come back and though we definitely have massive differences in what we are exposed to and wish to write about, there is this “unifying thread” that connects our thoughts and others on similar wavelengths.

I was so excited by this joint website project idea that I called Sasha a few weeks ago and we ended up talking for so long that we were both starting to fall asleep at our keyboards.

The cool thing about talking in that state of mind though is that some really interesting topics came out, again, we are in such different circles and exposed to such different issues but are both fascinated by the others thoughts and opinions. 

So if you want to check that out I’d be really grateful. One day we hope to make it an actual job, even part time, and would also love to take on more contributors…

But…

One thing at a time. For now, just gotta write.

❤ G

It’s 3:15pm and I woke up and hour ago. #goals amiright

I had another idea for a blog today but I’m feeling good so I’m going to talk about chronic illness instead, yay!

Every now and then when life gets really hard I’ll turn to an extremely uplifting channel on YouTube by a beautiful woman named Jessica

Not only is Jessica stunningly beautiful with that amazing Vintage fashion going on, she is also a member of the LGBT community and married to a wonderful, grounded and supportive woman named Claud, one of my favourite “opposites attract” type relationships.

So she is those things and she is also disabled which she says she doesn’t often talk about because it’s “knitted into the very fabric of my being” and also because she finds talking about disabilities boring!

Jessica is Deaf, going blind and is diagnosed with HNPP, POTS and MCTD (link for her talking about these) means that very often Jessica can sometimes only be productive for 4 hours a day.

So why do I turn to Jessica?

Since I was around 19 years old I became ill with Glandular Fever and have had chronic fatigue on and off ever since then.

Despite seeing many, many doctors over the years and a hormone specialist and some other scans there has never been found to be a reason for my CFS and as such, there are many times in my life where, like Jessica, I can only be productive for a few hours in a day.

The one thing that has uplifted the worsening symptoms in recent times has been my ADHD medication and studies have shown some links between CFS and ADHD however it hasn’t CURED the fatigue and the frustration over not knowing what is wrong is something that follows me every day. So I’ll watch Jessica.

Jessica also has CFS as a symptom of her many issues (which she talks about here)and this will sometimes leave her unable to even move, she will “ragdoll” up stairs, slur her words and get confusion, which are all symptoms I have on a bad day, however Jessica also had a period of her life I think a whole year, maybe two, where she couldn’t move at all from her bed and even with her limited productive time now, even with all her other physical issues, she is still one of the most uplifting and happy people I’ve ever come across.

I don’t have the issues Jessica has. And I’m thankful for that, because I don’t feel that I could do as much as she has with all that she has been through.

It’s always something that I’m conscious of and I try to apply to my thinking in regards to other people I come across as well though, that even if someone is the most sunny and looks like they have a perfect life from the outside, you don’t know what they’re going through on the inside.

There are many invisible illnesses, both physical and mental, and we all have to deal with these in our own ways.

Finding a way to cope

How am I dealing? Firstly the process of finding a supportive GP that BELIEVES me and is willing to go the distance in terms of getting to the bottom of my physical and mental issues has helped SO much.

As has being pushed by both my wonderful sister and patient boyfriend to finally go for that psychiatric evaluation to be officially diagnosed with ADHD. Then there is the amazing Psychologist who is invested in my journey and in teaching me how to work around the mental issues that hold me back.

As an fyi if you are an Australian resident who is suffering with issues such as anxiety and depression please ask your GP for a “mental health care plan” which will mean that you can get multiple Psychologist sessions paid for by medicare. And they can help a LOT.

I’ve also had to suck in my pride and ask for help from teachers, TAFE student councilors and have become quite vocal about my “neurodiversity” because I am in a place in my life where I can confidently reveal and educate, without having to feel like an outcast or defend myself, and I want people to know it’s ok not to be ok.

If you haven’t found those support networks then I hope some of what I’ve said helps, and that you find your own path and people you can lean on.

If not, please message me. I’d love to hear your story. Maybe I can help.

❤ G

What a fun topic!

Yes! Let’s all stop reading this and go do our favourite activity!

-_-

Ok. I have no advice here, I just want to tell you my woes

As a child brought up in a pretty messy house I moved out with my boyfriend at age 18 and now, 13 years later, I’m still not on top of this cleanliness stuff.

In my head, if something is going to repeatedly need doing, and gives little to no joy or benefit, no amount of forcing or attempts to keep a schedule or system seems to work.

Moving house a lot, and having many different housemates, I definitely can say that the best system is to do small amounts each day. And in the best share-house I had for this particular method, there were 6 of us under one roof, all in charge of our own dishes which were expected to be done as soon as we used them, and other stuff was a weekly rotating roster.

It was boring. It worked.

And now…. I live with someone else with ADHD. Namely my wonderful boyfriend who, until 7 months ago at the age of 28, lived at home with his parents.

His parents who did all the housework.

And the grocery shopping.

And the bill paying.

*sigh* what a life.

So here we are, in an apartment that we both love, with two beautiful male adult cats, who’s litter is rarely cleaned and always by me, with toilets that are rarely cleaned, only by me, and with piles upon piles of trash and dishes mostly done by me.

But it’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed when housework is waiting for me.

It’s getting harder and harder not to blow a gasket every day when I can smell… eugh.

It’s gross. I hate it. I hate this.

So I did blow my gasket. I wrote a message to my partner BEGGING for him to not only help with the actual housework, but to help with the resolution and ideas on how we can consistently do this.

Because we’re adults.

The idea so far is to have chores on pieces of paper in a hat or whatever, and to draw them daily or weekly and be in charge of those particular chores whenever we choose to do them. To make it fair because I am home more often most of the time, I said we’d organise it so that the amount of chores is determined by the amount of hours we have at home per day, say we draw one chore for every 4 hours of home time we have or something….

My supportive boyfriend likes the idea and has printed and is laminating the jobs at work.

And… if it works, maybe I can stop obsessing.

Someone once told me

“If you find something that you love doing for others, which you gladly do for free, THAT should be what you do for the rest of your life”

I couldn’t find the exact quote but it’s something that has stuck with me for a long time.
I mean, it makes sense.
We are all unique and have individual skill-sets that differ from one another.
It makes sense to me that that uniqueness and those natural skills should direct us to what we do for a living.

One of the themes of this blog is definitely life purpose as it’s something I’m very passionate about however, today’s entry is about me. And:

How I found MY life purpose

In 2017 I was at a turning point. I felt I was becoming ready to really truly know myself, I felt like I’d finally become who I was going to be. A mentor of mine I was talking to over the phone one day about this feeling said “I hope this doesn’t offend, because you may feel this should have come sooner, but it seems as if you are reaching adulthood.”

I was 29.

But his statement made me laugh because… it just felt so right. He also said that when I found what my purpose was, it would combine together all of my unique skills, that all the job roles I’d held in my life, which may feel random and unconnected, would finally align. That it would all click for me.

It took another year, moving states, going through PTSD and apathy depression (long story) and then a seemingly unremarkable conversation with someone on a street in Parramatta at one of my low points… for that “click.”

The Moment of Realisation

So. Who WAS this person?
The truth is, I don’t know. She, or he, or they? (I’m not sure they were amazingly androgynous) was a homeless youth.

Normally I’ll be honest, I do tend to stay away from people experiencing homelessness.

It’s weird because I’ve experienced homelessness multiple times myself, (long story, don’t worry it was for short periods) So shouldn’t I be more compassionate?

I’ve been of the mindset that if I can’t make a REAL difference in someones life then I don’t see a point in giving a dollar.

Then there’s unfortunately a generalisation which is that many who are experiencing homelessness have a high chance of addiction to drugs and alcohol, I know it’s not all of them but I just don’t like the idea of potentially funding that.

So because I’m not part of the solution I just… shut them out.

This person though? They were different. I went to walk past them but they caught my eye, I got a strange feeling and walked into a nearby shop, got some cash out, then walked back to talk to them.

At first I didn’t give them any money. I just said “hi, is it ok if I sit with you?” they said yes.
I then asked why they were on the street today, why they were homeless, how they were trying to get help, what their plans were… I started to get a sense for this young person and what was holding them back. I felt that they were just a bit stuck and (understandably)had a negative mindset but I also had a strong sense that they could be helped. I just didn’t know how.

I offered them my jacket(they said no) and a little bit of money and then left. Within half a block I was crying.
I kept crying as I walked home to my crappy depression den(aka the studio apartment I was renting nearby) and then… I sat at my computer and started to google.

The Search

There MUST be some career that can help stuck young people. I KNEW there was. HAD to be. Well, there is. And it didn’t take me long to find what it was called.

“Youth Worker.”

There it was. Skill set required? Everything I had randomly built towards in my life. It was getting late and in my fervor I started looking into the qualifications, I found a tafe that was enrolling to start in a few weeks that would only take 6 months for the certificate IV and cost me NOTHING(bless the Australian government)

So I enrolled there and then. Impulsively. Before… before that zero dollar fee turned into a number maybe or… more likely before I just went back to my numbness and decided to do nothing instead.

10 months later…

So now? As I’ve mentioned I am still studying that certificate IV(thanks ADHD lol) and I am also GLADLY volunteering my time, I am passionate and the apathy depression is long gone.

THIS is why people have always randomly told me too much information about their personal lives when I’ve been working in retail. And why I’ve felt invested but frustrated at my inability to help.

THIS is why I’m able to simultaneously guide young people I’ve managed but also relate and get along with them.

THIS is why I’ve cultivated skills in public speaking, management, training, even those scary skills I felt compelled by an invisible force to learn like, sales and how to use influential language.

There are so many ways that this career path could lead me, and I know it might take me a long time to find out exactly where I fit, but for now this feels right and I’m driven with the sense of energy and focus that comes from treading on the right path.

If you’ve had a similar experience or are still finding your path and struggling let me know, I’d love to hear about it 🙂

❤ G

I just woke up, and I definitely want to go straight back to sleep right now. TIME TO BLOG!!!

AHEM.

Let’s get straight into it. So guys, from my reading about this newly discovered condition of mine, I’ve seen that ADHD tends to lead to all different symptoms, some of which are quite common, some which are a bit more rare and I’ll find myself going “ohhh… that’s why I do that…” Also a lot of them are symptoms neuro-typical people will experience as well, I mean we all lose our keys from time to time… just maybe not every single day like me. *sigh*

Well, one of those symptoms, as the title would suggest, are dreams. Or, more specifically, Vivid dreams. We can tend to have dreams that are super active, sometimes within our control(ie lucid)colourful, crazy dreams. And from these dreams we wake up feeling like we never really slept.

Most people have these types of dreams sometimes, however I, and many with neuro-diverse brains, have them almost every night.

I actually kind of love my dream life though. Where I can I’ve always tried to interpret what I can in my dreams and lately I think I’ve been seeing a bit of a self-kindness trend which I like.

So. Last nights dream I’ll breifly touch on, I was riding on some weird trolley thing with 3 other family members, travelling somewhere on the highway.

My twin was at the front driving and I was at the back, holding on to the rikity thing for dear life.

At one of the faster points I was almost slipping off and became terrified, trying to hold onto whatever I could to stay on.

I was in the most dangerous spot out of any of them, at the back with no handles. At the next lights I abruptly got off and started to walk home. “I…can’t” I couldn’t even articulate it I was so scared. My twin was super angry but I just kept walking.

Later on my mother and little sis who had also been on the trolley came to tell me that it was alright that I got off. Even if I didn’t get to go where they were going. I needed to be comfortable with it.

The next one I had a week or so ago and I was at a university walking up some stairs. Many people used these stairs but at one point there came a part that had a mini staircase pointed back the way we came.

Some people seemed to be able to pass this obstacle as if it wasn’t even there. Others stayed and struggled. Some for a long time. I staired at it(hehe sorry) for a while and then picked up some form of iPad.

On the iPad was like a google calendar-type app but with university units represented as stairs. I was able to move them around, like appointments, and moved the hard stairs to another place, I think it was down, and then continued to walk up the stairs at my own pace.

So this one I feel is also a bit obvious. When I started tafe and was so so so passionate about the subject I watched other people struggle with assessments and I felt down on myself for not seeing a way to just struggle through them. I gave up altogether. And then came back for term two still feeling a failure, but determined to start again.

What the learning disability councilor at my tafe continues to tell me every time I talk about failing term one is to first of all, sarcastically look around the room and say to me “when did you fail???” and then she’ll remind me that last year I didn’t have my diagnosis, wasn’t receiving treatment. You are doing the work now, at your own pace, and making progress. Who cares how anyone else has done it. Yeh I love her. Lol.

So. Lots of elements here to talk about but in the interest of staying on topic, I’m curious if anyone got any different interpretations to my dreams? Do you like to interpret your own dreams? Comment below! I’m trying out writing at different times of day/states of being(aka barely awake) so if you noticed a difference in my writing from the focused one yesterday, tell me that too! I always re-read my own writing in my own voice so it’s kinda hard to analyse.

Also, stay strong. Wherever you’re at in life, you’re at the right place for you, right now. And try not to compare yourself to others. It never helps.

❤ G

Hi. I should be studying right now.

So. I’m new to this whole diagnosed ADHDer thing, it’s been about two months I think. Could I look that up to get an exact date? Yes. Am I going to? No.

Anyway I’m new to the diagnosis and to being medicated(20-30mg dexamphetamine/day if you’re curious) and for the first few weeks it was really a godsend.

What stimulants do for the ADHD brain is to help focus and even calm down. VS the hyperactivity or energy boosting neuro-typical people will experience. Distractions still happen but we’re able to get back on task and actually listen when people are talking… It’s not a wonder drug but when you’ve had the brain fuzz for as long as I have it was groundbreaking. My first week on Dex I did 6 overdue projects. More than I did in my entire first term of tafe. I was able to articulate my thoughts better when communicating, and I was even able to sleep and wake up better.

I was walking on air.

Throughout this time though I was emotional and fearful, I knew the effects couldn’t last forever.

And I was right. They didn’t

After only 3 weeks the results were nowhere near as powerful.

The fatigue returned. I was only able to complete maybe one or two assessments a week.

Dex has not stopped working altogether, but it’s definitely not enough by itself.

So while I get therapy and continue seeing my GP to figure out what else could be causing issues, I still need to write, still need to study. Still need to function at my workplace(s)

Enter my experimentation of nootropics.

If you haven’t heard of nootropics it’s basically the idea of a kind of superdrug, one that boosts mental function, memory, basically just to get more out of yourself. And it’s supposed to be especially effective on ADHD brains, plus a good alternative to stimulants.

The most easily accessible nootropic out there?

Nicotine.

Yes that nicotine.

Yes the evil stuff that’s inside cigarettes that your mum warned you about.

And today I went and bought some.

Now, if you want to tell me off, that’s fine. But the idea is that I’m going to use it to help boost my brain for these final few assessments of my cert IV.

And then I plan to report my results.

I bought a spray that administers 1mg per spray which is supposedly a good “microdose” amount and after the initial shock…. I do feel pretty good, pretty focused.

So I’ma go study now.

Wish me luck.

If you’d told me a few years ago that you thought I had ADHD I’d have laughed in your face. Or… at least looked at you sideways and left the conversation.

My cousin had it, and he was weird.

Some kid in primary school had it… also weird.

It was something for those weirdos, the ones who are awkward to talk to, that don’t shut up, that bounce off walls, they don’t fit in and give off a… vibe I guess.

But also all that media about kids going to school in the 90s and being wrongly diagnosed with ADHD… clearly it was invented by big pharma,
Yeh. That’s right… It was an excuse to get kids hooked on speed when they were young. To get normal kids who’s parents were sick of them to shut up.

Legitimately… This is pretty much what I thought.

And my struggles in school? I was smart, well behaved, quiet, and female. I was obviously struggling because I wasn’t “applying” myself.

Through late teens and early adulthood I struggled to keep a job. I interviewed well, amazingly. I outperformed every other worker in multiple positions.

Then… my performance would become inconstant. I would start to feel unwelcome at work, shifts were reduced suddenly, one workplace had an external HR company just call me and ask me not to come back.

HA. I didn’t care. I moved to the big city and remade myself. Remade my identity. Started fresh. Started studying small business management. And got a cool job at an awesome business coaching company and I was going places.

Though… I never DID finish that certificate….
Or… multiple certificates after that…
Just… wasn’t “meant to be.” clearly…

It wasn’t until I finally found a subject I was truly passionate about that I realised maybe my inability to complete things to further my career or education… wasn’t just a personality flaw.

I started a certificate in something that made so much sense with all my strange skills and experiences. Something that worked with who I had become and grown up to be after turning 30, and finally feeling grounded and real. It felt so right. That part of the story can be in a later post.

I was so passionate and inspired during the course that I knew I would be finishing it and working in my chosen vocation in no time. I worked really hard on my first assessment and gave it in.

But then… Because it was an accelerated certificate IV course many of the assessments became due at the same time. And I couldn’t. Do. ANY.

I was learning so much but to sit still and put words to a page at a computer would take multiple attempts filled with me constantly getting up and pacing around the library. Googling random crap. I bought a laptop JUST for Tafe and sat in the quietest corner I could find and was still averaging about one sentence an hour.

I event bought a TENT for my LIVING ROOM to study in, made it cute with a fan, a lamp and a beanbag and sat in there… maybe once.

Some teachers I could listen to, and loved the subjects however the ones who’s subjects weren’t as interesting, the ones who were monotonous and used slides, the ones who’s classroom was different to our normal one, or with different students to normal…

In one ear. Out the other.

Stopped even showing up on Tuesdays.

And by the end of term one I wasn’t attending at all.

I had started having frequent panic attacks. Why? I was so confused. I KNEW this was the subject for me. It was so right. Why couldn’t I do the work? What was wrong with me????

It was then I started to look into my issues as a symptom, rather than a personality flaw.

I had started dating a guy with ADHD, hyperactive type. And we’d always had this amazingly weird connection in the way we communicated. It was so fast, and random, and we’d skip past subjects then go back to them yet were always able to keep up with each other.

So I tried to talk to my GP about it anyway. To get some information. He informed me that ADHD was only a childhood condition. So… definitely not an option even worth discussing for me.

I went back to term 2 of tafe, deciding to try again and forget about that incomplete term 1 until later. I started seeing the learning disability Councillor for my “anxiety”

Seeking out a psychologist in my area that had both anxiety and ADHD in her treatment interests. The psychologist repeatedly informed me that every symptom I was wondering about was anxiety. Yes even the getting distracted while people were talking. Even the inability to sit still and write an essay. All my anxiety. It was like she was selling anxiety to me.

But to me it felt off. It felt like a SYMPTOM. Not the diagnosis.

It was around then I found out my favourite teacher had ADHD. It was starting to make more and more sense to me. Every online quiz I took came out with high likelihood of ADHD. I spent the next few months going to new doctors, trying to find one who was actually interested in helping me with my mental health. Someone who would actually refer me to a psychiatrist rather than starting with a dietitian. A quote from one of them after I explained that I wanted to look into ADHD as a possibility: “So I see that you have a problem with your weight… lets start with that issue and go from there”

Anyway after 6 months of searching and procrastinating I found a great gp. First session I mentioned ADHD and he immediately started asking me questions about my childhood, my ability to hold a job, my general mental health. He sent me for some blood work to see about the fatigue I was also experiencing, referred me to a psychiatrist(for diagnosis), AND a psychologist(for ongoing therapy) and two weeks later I sat with that psychiatrist. For an hour. And then he said the words I’d known for months… known but hadn’t had anyone really believe. Known but kind of hoped that I was wrong. And I burst into tears from the relief and from the shock.

“So…. you have ADHD.”

I think I started this blog about 4 hours ago. Everyone left. I was tired. Wanted to nap. Started a blog instead. But by started I mean… Fiddled with wordpress, watched youtube, looked for title inspiration, named the blog, deleted the blog, created a new gmail for the blog, created a new blog, watched some more youtube….

So Hi.

You made it.

I made it.

I’ve started blogs before. I’m sure many people have. I guess I’ve been blogging on and off since Myspace was a thing. The difference between those days and now are that I had a massively inflated sense of who I was going to be. I was writing business advice when I had no business, I was writing self awareness and development blogs before I really knew who I was.

How is this time different….

Well this time I know why all my knowledge and “potential” never equated to real life results.

Being smart and having energy, passion, potential means nothing when you can’t start let alone finish a single project.

When you can’t focus on what people are saying long enough to truly learn from tertiary study.

I have what is known as ADHD. I was diagnosed two months ago now. At the ripe old age of 31. And by the tone of this blog so far you probably think I’m a little negative about it. Indeed many adults who are diagnosed late have resentment. Resentment for being held back. Resentment for the truth about their neurodiverse brain being missed by countless medical professionals, parents, teachers, themselves.

But I’m not negative.

Not at all.

Finding out how my brain is different from “normal” has been the greatest self discovery in my life thus far. And I’m only at the tip of the iceberg.

So let’s do it. Let’s start a blog. It was on my goals list for this month(and last month woops) after all.

*exhales*